Running on Empty - Coping with Cancer Stress
by Debbie Woodbury, founder WhereWeGoNow.com
Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy
merely to be normal. Albert Camus
For those of us blissfully past the cancer diagnosis and
treatment stages, the outward signs of life as a "patient" are
long gone. Our hair has grown back, we've recovered from
surgeries, and our scars lay hidden under our clothes. We are
certainly healthier, and we should be happier, right? But the
transition from patient to cancer survivor is not an easy one and
the new normal brings its own cancer stress.
Even for prisoners, the re-entry phase into normal society is
usually gradual, but such is not the case for most cancer
survivors. Family and friends want to return to normal life as
soon as possible, and who can blame them? The cancer survivor
wants that too, of course. But what we want is not always what we
are capable of achieving, which causes even more cancer stress
(and often, full-blown
cancer anger.) After all we have been through, we are running
on empty and only capable of so much.
What is "normal" after cancer, anyway? Now that I must visit my
oncologist every six months for the rest of my life, it's become
normal. Unfortunately, it's also normal to be anxious before each
visit. My last visit was the worst, because I thought I had a
small lump in my one remaining breast. I waited the two weeks
between the discovery and the appointment, certain it was
nothing. Of course, by the time I got there, I was a wreck. Not
telling anyone, to keep them from worrying, worked fine when I
was in denial. But, it was really awful when I was in full-blown
cancer stress.
And what about the yearly mammograms, which have caused panic for
two years running? Both times I was called back for more tests,
thus re-enacting Cancer
Year One. How do you process the new normal cancer stress
when it feels exactly like the patient cancer stress? Keep
telling yourself you've got all kinds of support you didn't have
the first time, etc., etc., etc. Still.....I am stressed
out.
Over the past several months, I've been feeling a malaise which
isn't depression, but steers well clear of happy. It took me
months to realize that the culprit is most likely the tamoxifen
I've been taking for the past 28 months. I've been sleeping very
badly for a long time now, sometimes waking up three to four
times a night. That too is becoming normal, which is why it took
me so long to realize it probably had something to do with my
unhappiness during the daylight hours. I'm still figuring out
what to do about that.
There's also the physical side-effects of my surgeries, which
cause pain in my abdomen. No one can see it, so no one knows
about this cancer stress. It's my new normal and mine alone. Did
I mention
cancer loneliness as another cancer stress?
Finally, don't get me started on the cancer stress caused each
October, when
pinkification falls on you like an avalanche of kitsch. And,
because I know I'm complaining, I'm cringing with survivor's
guilt, yet another cancer stress. I know how lucky I am,
especially as compared to so many who are struggling with so much
worse. I just wish none of us had to suffer the life-long effects
of our cancer diagnosis.
It's so easy to fall into the dark side of the new
normal, where running on empty is taken for granted because it's
just the way it is now. I have to keep trying to focus on
yoga,
breathing, writing,
mindfulness, exercising, and
zentangle art to counterbalance this effect. Is your new
normal taking all of your energy? What do you do to reinvigorate
yourself?
ABOUT: Debbie Woodbury is a
cancer survivor, blogger, speaker and advocate. She created
WhereWeGoNow, an
interactive online community for cancer survivors living life
beyond cancer. Join her to share and connect with other
survivors!
Twitter: DebbieWWGN
Facebook:
WhereWeGoNow as Cancer Survivors
Copyright © 2012 Where We Go Now, LLC
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4 Comments
I'm sorry to hear that you are still struggling with so much cancer stress. No one tells you in the beginning how hard the new normal is going to be. It's definitely one day at a time and some days are better than others. Unlike prisoners, we've had to hit the ground running - and we should be proud of ourselves every day for making it work as well as we do.
Take care and keep making that fabulous, healthy food.
Survival > Existence,
Debbie
~Tracey
aka Momared
They call it the "new normal," because the old normal is long, long gone. I was shocked too when I slowly started to realize it wasn't coming back. I've been disappointed, pained and happily surprised by life beyond cancer. But whatever happens, I know that supporting each other is the salve that makes it all work.
Survival > Existence,
Debbie
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